Food Court – Episode 21

All rise, Food Court is in session! In Episode 21, Hugh is put on trial as he comes clean with some past food confessions. Then, things get really hairy when his Ghost of Snacking future pays a visit, and presents him with some difficult hypothetical snacking decisions.

 

—————–

(00:22) Lays Do Us a Flavor Submission Follow-Up–Hugh shares his challenges in submitting flavors to FritoLay.com for the Do Us a Flavor Contest. Apparently the word, “ball” was objectionable to the website’s text filters. Even a phone call to Frito Lay headquarters didn’t help. Moving on, Rod shares his submission tactics:

  • use adjectives
  • tell a “homespun” story to explain your inspiration
  • rely heavily on the Taste of America Theme, being sure to use the name of the geographic location in the name

(06:56) Pleading on the Mercy of the Food Court – Hugh once again confesses his food sins and asks Judge Rodney T. Budget to find him guilty or innocent.

(08:12) Confession #1: An Entire Cake in One Weekend – On more than one occasion, I’ve been alone for a weekend and baked a full cake, then snacked on it. Sometime before the end of the weekend, I’d notice that I’d eaten an inordinate amount of the cake on my own (more than half). So, rather than stop eating and explaining the remaining cake to my wife, I’d power through and finish the whole thing before she got home, wash the dishes, and never speak of it.

  • Hugh’s Defense – Baking a cake was cheaper and less lazy than going to the store and buying a bunch of junk food.
  • The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth – In addition to the cake, I did most likely buy junk food at the store and eat all most of that too.
  • To Make Matters Worse – The first time it was sort of an accident. Additional offenses were unquestionably premeditated.
  • Judge Budget’s Ruling–NOT GUILTY. Baking a cake shows initiative. And taking measures to eliminate the evidence was acceptable in the heat of passion, but additional offenses may cause the law to come down on him.

(10:21) Confession #2: Chinese Chinese Delivery Delivery – When I order Chinese food for delivery and I’m on my own, I almost always order two entrees.

  • Hugh’s Defense – I have to meet the dollar amount for the minimum order and one entrée won’t be enough. Plus, the shame I feel when I see two sets of silverware and two fortune cookies in the bag for my solo order, is punishment enough. Finally, leftovers never go to waste in my home.
  • The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth– A small appetizer or a steamed vegetable would certainly achieve the minimum order price.
  • To Make Matters Worse – In addition to the second entrée, I’ve been known to throw in an appetizer as well. And to be completely upfront, there are seldom leftovers – if there are, they are sparse.
  • Judge Budget’s Ruling – GUILTY. Chinese portions are large and even if two entrees must be ordered, a lack of leftovers is unforgivable. SENTANCE: A lifetime of stale fortune cookies.

(12:26) Confession #3: Holiday Snack Hording – When visiting my family over the holidays, I located my mother’s homemade Chex mix (my all time favorite) and shoved it to the back of the shelf. I did this so that the “leftovers” (in this case all of it) would go home with me. My plan worked, it wasn’t put out.

  • Hugh’s Defense– It’s my favorite, and everybody else got plenty of snacks. Nobody really noticed thanks to the presence of so many other snacks.
  • The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth – Traditionally all of the Chex Mix does get eaten up, so people clearly like it.
  • Judge Budget’s Ruling – NOT GUILTY. However this one skirted the line. Such an intentional, gluttonous deception is problematic. From now on, Hugh should try do hide food on “accident” rather than in such a premeditated way as to allow some deniability.

(14:57)Confession #4: Binging for the Greater Good – Sometimes our house ends up with an uncommon bounty of junk food (holidays, care packages, after a party) – bags of chips, cookies, candy, and other snacks that we would never normally have. I convince myself that rather than pacing it out over time and making the snacks last, it is more responsible to just eat it all with reckless abandon in a week or so.

  • Hugh’s Defense – When the stuff is out of the house, I can start eating responsibly (maybe even really diet) without temptation. Plus, my family won’t be tempted by, or eat that poison. It’s almost like I am taking a bullet for them.
  • The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth – I do not eat responsibly once the junk food has been eaten up. It’s been smartly suggested that the junk food could be brought to my work, to get it out the house but not waste it.
  • To Make Matters Worse – I’ve pretended to bring the food to work to share, but actually just kept it at my desk and ate it all myself.
  • Judge Budget’s Ruling –EXTREMELY GUILTY. Lying about sharing food in this way is inexcusable. There are ways to get rid of excess candy, like actually sharing it.   Sentence: Rehabilitation period of three months with no candy.

(17: 00) Confession #5: Mush Mush (this is 100% true – no additions or exaggerations) – In the lunchroom in second grade, my friend Kenny, and I invented mush-mush. Mush-mush was basically a pyramid scheme of potato chips. We would take an empty plastic baggie, maybe contribute a chip or two, and then implore everybody else to contribute some of their chips. We’d take the collection and mush it all up into a fine, multi-flavored chip powder. All contributors got a taste. But then most if it was left over for me and Kenny.

  • Hugh’s Defense– This was a juvenile defense and the statute of limitations has certainly passed. It was voluntary. Nobody was forced to contribute their chips (although admittedly the peer pressure was fairly high once the scheme got rolling). This is more of a white-collar food crime.
  • The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth – Our friend Aaron mounted an effort to reveal mush-mush as a scam, but his message fell mostly on deaf ears. Mush-mush became a phenomenon.
  • To Make Matters Worse – Our scam grew too big and word got out. The authorities (lunchroom monitors) learned about mush-mush and shut down the operation.
  • Judge Budget’s Ruling – NOT GUILTY. Young Hugh’s entrepreneurial spirit is to be commended.

(19:37) What would Hugh and You do? – Rod presents some tough scenarios to Hugh in which he must choose between his own hunger and the needs of others. What kind of a man is Hugh? Does food control every portion of his life, or is there a shred of humanity within him? What would Hugh’s WIFE say? Listen to find out! What would YOU do? Take the quiz below to find out!

QUESTION #1. It’s your child’s first birthday party, and you are responsible for picking up the cake. When you gets to the bakery, they tell you that you are entitled to a free “smash cake” for the kid, in addition to the larger pre-ordered cake that Hugh is supposed to pick up. The smash cake is very small, about 6 inches in diameter, and is meant for the baby to smash into, make a mess, and look cute. However, Mrs. Gallon has no idea the smash cake even exists. It’s free of charge. There are no records on the receipt. Do you:

  • eat the smash cake on the way home? (smashed cake is gross after all)
  • bring it home and declare it? (maybe your honestly will be rewarded)
  • Other: ________________________________
  • (b) bring it home and try to hide it? (eating and driving is dangerous)

QUESTION #2.  It’s Halloween night and you are responsible for passing out candy to the trick or treaters. A particularly adorable 7-year-old comes to the door. You give the kid a few pieces out of the candy bowl, but then the kid spots a full sized Snickers bar (or whatever your favorite candy bar is) sitting on a table in the entry way. You were saving this candy bar for yourself at the end of the night. You promised yourself that you’d stay away from the “kids” candy tonight, and he’d treat yourself with this Snickers. The kid says in the cutest, sweetest way, “Whooooaaaa!!! Can I have THAT???” while pointing at the candy bar.

  • Keep your Snickers but offer extra candy from your bowl?
  • Give the kid your Snickers. Halloween is about the kids.
  • Other: ________________________________

QUESTION #3. In December, Hugh went to the Dr. for a physical and it was determined that his blood sugar was very high for his age. The doctor advised him to cut way back on sugars. Perhaps even eliminate sugars all together for a while. Hugh agreed that it was time to buck up and go on a no sugar diet. He even decided to start running and exercising starting in the new year. On January 1, Hugh goes out for a run. He’s feeling good about himself and the upcoming year of health. When he gets back home, however, he sees a “Mrs. Field’s” delivery van parked in the driveway. He walks to the front door and sees a giant cookie cake being delivered to the house. He rushes to see what it’s all about and sees that the frosting says, “Hugh Gallon: 2014 NYC Employee of the Year!” Hugh is overwhelmed with joy and pride in his accomplishment. What happens to the cookie?

  • Eat much/all of the cookie before anybody sees it, telling nobody?
  • Declare the cookie to your spouse and eat some of it?
  • Give the entire cookie to friends/neighbors/coworkers and eat little or none of it?
  • Other: ________________________________

QUESTION #4. Hugh is at his favorite corner pizza place near your house. He’s STARVING and hasn’t had any nice hot pizza in several weeks. It’s an extra unique occasion because Mrs. Gallon and the kids are running some errands and Hugh has the time to dine-in and relax with the FOUR slices he’s ordered… also a 32 ounce soda for good measure. Man, this is going to be a great meal. But a few moments after he orders and pays, just as the pizza is being put into the oven (and before the soda is served), Hugh’s phone rings. It’s Mrs. Gallon. Hugh answers, and learns that Mrs. Gallon has a flat tire. She’s not on the highway, but on a fairly busy residential street about 10 minutes away. The kids are with her. It’s cold outside and getting dark. Mrs. Gallon isn’t panicked, but she’s also pretty stressed about the situation and needs help ASAP. WHAT WOULD HUGH DO? The pizza might be warm by now. He still doesn’t have a soda in hand… he’s already paid… Hugh would tell them to take the pizza out of the oven and he would take them to go (he enjoys when his pizza is not too hot). He would also say, ‘excuse me man, but I have to run out, could you grab me that soda real quick, I’d really appreciate it’. So he would leave there with all slices, which he would eat in the car, plus his soda.)

  • Sit and enjoy your meal? It’s your night off. They are safe and AAA can help more than you can.
  • Wait for your food and take it to go?
  • Drop everything and rush out without getting your food.
  • Other: ________________________________

QUESTION #5. Go back in time to when you and Hugh first started dating. Let’s say it’s your second date and you’re going to dinner and a movie. Hugh doesn’t particularly care for what he ordered at dinner and doesn’t eat much of it. He’s nervous, after all. While walking to the movie, Hugh can’t stop thinking about the jumbo tub of popcorn and giant soda… both with free refills. He’s hungry now, for sure. OH, and the movie you’re seeing is 3 hours long. He doesn’t want to look like a pig, but is unlimited popcorn and soda really THAT piggish? WHAT WOULD HUGH DO?

  • Get a small popcorn and go a little hungry?
  • Get the big popcorn and say that its to share?
  • Covertly get some candy or popcorn during a “bathroom break” and down it before you return to your seat?
  • Other: ________________________________