How to Grill the Bacon Hotdog Turtle Burger
By Hugh Gallon (with a lot of help from “JW the Beef and Bacon Baron”)
There are a many man-merit-badges I lack. I don’t watch sports. I can’t change the oil in my car. I cry a little during Pixar movies. I can’t cook a good steak. I don’t grill often. But I do love meat challenges – such as my Turducken quasi-victory and jerky feats of strength. The Bacon Hotdog Turtle Burger of internet legend has been on my bucket list for years. The web was surprisingly lacking in easy directions or recipes, so I knew this would be a good experi-meat.
Lab Report: The Bacon Hotdog Turtle Burger
Ingredients: Ground beef, hot dogs, bacon.
Method: Grilling. The most important step for me was bringing in a ringer: my neighbor, JW the Beef and Bacon Baron (a title I bestow upon him as I write, without letting him know). JW is the creator of fine ribs and the man who flames most of the grilled meat I eat. He also makes his own sausages. But the title “Sir Sausage” didn’t seem right.
JW did most of the Bacon Hotdog Turtle Burger assembly and all of the grilling. I documented the experiment and kept lab notes, yielding the following steps and (the above video):
Step 1: Assembly (a 3 x 3 bacon lattice and two small snips per leg for turtle toes were ideal)
Step 2: 5-10 minutes in the freezer to firm it all up
Step 3: 15-20 minutes in covered grill, set medium-high, in indirect heat (no glowing directly below)
Step 4: 2 minutes of direct heat. Flip. 2 more minutes. (to char and sear each side)
Step 5: Another 5-10 minutes of indirect heat.
Step 6: Another 2-3 minutes of direct heat each side.
Step 7: Another 5-10 minutes of indirect heat.
Step 8: Remove from heat and let it rest before cutting in.
Findings: Well worth the effort (especially since the effort was not mine). The bacon and burger together were the best part flavor-wise. As they tend to do, the hot dogs kind of got in the way and didn’t integrate into flavor well, but aesthetically were a necessity if you’re gonna go full turtle. Also, a 4×4 bacon lattice was slightly too cumbersome. 3×3 was better. That’s correct. More bacon is not always better, it seems.
Final Result: Dinner in a Bacon Shell. Turtle Power.